i cannot get too attached to you because either you will leave or i will
and i cannot do that again because the last time it happened was a year and a half ago and i still cannot think of him for too long without crying
but i don’t know what to do because my attachment to you is one of the very few things keeping me here
so it’a hard to keep a balance
and why do you have to care about me
i do not have this potential that you think i do I am not worth your time and your effort and the hurt i will inevitably
cause you so please leave
but please don’t leave
i don’t know what i want and i am scared and hurt and confused
and i am afraid i do not have the strength to be here much longer
but i will for you and for her but not for myself and that’s what i need right i need to see some worth in myself and i can’t
i have searched and searched but i can’t find any worth
i will not change the world i will not even change a life
so you should probably just give up on me
but please don’t give up on me
i hate needing you but i need you and i’m sorry this is a jumbled mess of my thoughts
that you will never see and i will never tell you
but i think you know; i am sure you know
and i know you will stay despite the hurt and the pain
and we will get through this
let us get through this
i cannot get too attached to you because either you will leave or i will
For you, I am open
I close my eyes, yet I still see your face
Still I think of you when I am trying to turn my brain off
Still I feel something in my chest when I am trying to close my heart
Because I am
Trying to close my heart
I do not want to feel this
I do not want to you see the dark corners of my soul
Yet I feel it is too late
Because the look in your eyes when I disappoint you
fills my heart, my soul, my eyes
with skipping beats and guilt and tears
and that’s what they say right
“It hurts because it matters”
This must matter a lot
If this is not open then I do not want to know what is
i am not open for many
i do not willingly bare my soul
but for you, i am open
It has been one and a half years since we last spoke
yet in every crowd I search for your face
hoping that you will see me too
that you will realize you’ve made a terrible mistake
that you miss me as much as I, you.
To what end?
I will be disappointed even if I do spot your face in the crowd
because i know that we will never be what we once were
and i will never love you
as i once did
I think I’m going to post them here
hope that’s cool
Okay so I’ve neglected this blog. Sorry guys. The last time I blogged was maybe… May of 2013? So we’ve got seven months to catch up on. I don’t think anything very exciting happened, but let’s get started.
Summer: This summer I was worried about coming home because everything felt different. Everything was different. I drifted apart from the people I thought I would be around forever, and I found an entirely new group of friends. They ended up kind of drifting apart once school started, but I still like them all. We went on many adventures. I also went to Orlando and visited the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, which was a dream come true. Walking into this land was like walking into my childhood daydreams. It was ineffable. I get choked up even thinking about it. We also went to Disneyworld where I got to meet Phineas and Ferb which was dope as heck! It was super fun and I loved it. After we got back from Orlando, I got set on my next adventure which was scary but also gave me so much freedom! I began to learn to drive. After I took my test (only twice!) I got my license! I also got a lovely blue Jeep Liberty from my auntie whom i have lovingly dubbed Rosie.
Then in August I went back to school and the semester was rough. I took seven classes, and one (Philosophy) was especially difficult. Then I decided I would try out for cheerleading, which I most definitely do not regret! I love cheer and it has gotten me hecka fit, and also introduced me to one of the girls who is now my closest friends!
The rough part of this semester is that I got mono! I was pretty much incapacitated for two weeks and couldn’t go to class. It was terrible and I basically slept all the time and didn’t leave my room. After I was well again, I was having a rough time catching up on classes, and my jaw freaked out! I was diagnosed with TMJ and I still can’t chew. My sister said the other day “She’s like Nemo, only instead of her fin it’s her jaw.”
The last few weeks of the semester I made a whole new group of friends, and now we hang out all the time and call ourselves the Fab Four. We went to Snowflake Lane and it was hella cute.
Now it’s break time. I have mostly been hanging out at home and been on Tumblr. However, I did hang out with Kyle and Heather a little bit last week and that was fun!
Okay now you’re all caught up on my life!
I am good at writing speeches. I know exactly what to say to get exactly the reaction I want. However, when it comes time to deliver these speeches, things never happen like I want them to.
Last week I had this great speech for my friend that I had been in a fight with. It went like this:
Hey. I know you don’t want to talk to me, but I feel like if this is how you’re going to handle it, I should get to say my piece. If you want, after I’m done, you can respond, but I won’t be mad if you ask me to leave either. I don’t understand why you are mad at me. If you tell me what I’m doing that upsets you, I’m totally willing to work on it, because I really, really value our friendship. You said I wouldn’t fight my battles, but this is one that I really think that’s worth fighting. But at the same time you said I shouldn’t be fighting for someone that wouldn’t fight for me. And I mean, I don’t know because I don’t live in your head, but… I just really feel like if our situations were reversed you wouldn’t be working this hard to appease me. So the ball is in your court, which I guess it always was, but you know.
Then I decided I had to look perfect, So I needed to buy new mascara. Then I decided I needed to go to Starbucks. Then by the time I got back, it wasn’t just him and his roommate in there, so I couldn’t ask him to leave and then go in. Then I had to go home, and he wasn’t going to be awake when we got back because we were also going to Beth’s.
When I go to Beth’s, usually I spend a long time there. So I like to get 7 refills on my coffee. But this time we only spent an hour and a half. Maybe. But I still got 7 refills. Ladies and gentlemen, that’s EIGHT CUPS OF COFFEE. Needless to say, I was really over-caffeinated. So I drew my friend this picture:
On the back it said:
You’re more fun than a rope swing on the elbow of a dinosaur. And I know what you’re thinking – “That doesn’t sound like fun at all. In fact, that sounds quite dangerous.” Yeah, well, last time I checked you aren’t a dinosaur safety technician, so why don’t you back off and find us a rope swing, my friend?
Kevin – I’m totally over not talking to you. I hope you are too cause this sucks.
I was pretty sure I didn’t even need to talk to him after that. I could just leave it on his desk and it would work it’s magic and we would be besties by morning. My friends told me that maybe I should wait until the morning when I could talk at a normal rate and didn’t have to wake him up to give it to him. I took their advice.
The next day I carried around the picture all day long and waited for the perfect moment to give it to him. When his roommate went to take a shower, I walked in and said:
So, yesterday I had this whole schpiel about how I really value your friendship and I’m willing to fight for it, and then we went to Beth’s and I had eight cups of coffee and so I was really over-caffeinated, and I drew you this picture and I thought that it would fix everything cause it’s funny and sweet and everything (and I read him the note on the back), but then this morning I woke up with rational thought and figured that it wouldn’t necessarily fix everything, but I figure it can’t hurt at this point, unless you throw it away right in front of me cause I actually put quite a bit of time into it so I’d probably cry. Anyway, I’m just going to leave this right here, and if you want to talk to me that’s cool but you can also ask me to leave and I won’t be upset. At least not in front of you.
He laughed and smiled at me while I looked up at him with wide eyes that were hopefully saying “i really want to be your friend again so please don’t ask me to leave,” and they must have worked because he told me what I had been doing that had been upsetting him, and I told him that was completely rational and I could totally work on that and then we hugged and it was the best. Now my picture is taped up above his desk (okay, so maybe I put it there, but he hasn’t taken it down, and he gave it two thumbs up, so it’s basically like he taped it up himself.) and we are best of friends again.
So basically, my picture really did fix everything. That’s my whole point.
I don’t want people thinking that I am weak. I am not. I can take perfectly good care of myself. However, one of my biggest flaws is that sometimes I will refuse to talk to someone about something they have done that hurts me. I don’t want to risk them being mad at me. This is something I have struggled with my entire life.
Recently, I had to end a friendship with one of my closest friends. I was having a really hard time with it because I didn’t want our friendship to be over. I couldn’t seem to get over it until finally one of my good friends said “Susannah. Why are you fighting so hard for this? He obviously isn’t fighting this hard for you. Why waste your time on someone like that? Especially when you have plenty of people who would fight for you?” Suddenly I was able to move on. I can think of him and not feel like I’m going to burst into tears, or I can spend a day and not think of him at all. It’s beautiful.
Then, the other day, I got into an argument with that same friend who had told me to not fight anymore. Part of it went like this:
Me: Kyle is always wanting to fight my battles for me. It makes me crazy because I can fight my own.
Him: I’m sure you can, Susannah, but you never do. You sit there, you get mad, and you let things stew. Then they turn into something bigger than they needed to be. You won’t let anyone else fight your battles, but you sure as hell won’t fight them yourself.
I think he thought he was telling me something I didn’t know. After that, he told me he didn’t want to talk to me for a while. I have left him alone, but it’s been almost a week since we spoke last. I really feel like this is a battle worth fighting. He is the only one I am 100% honest with. However, I don’t want to make things any worse than they already are. I don’t want to risk permanently screwing things up. At the same time though, this is exactly what he was mad at me about. I just don’t know what to do. The other thing is that I don’t feel like he would be fighting this hard for me if I were this mad at him. Maybe he would; I don’t live in his head. But right now that’s how I feel.
I think this was just a post in which I needed to get some stuff off my chest. I don’t really know if there was a point. But I feel better having gotten it out there on the page.