Yes.

That’s what I’ve been hearing all week. Yes. I love it. Here, let me catch you up; I haven’t blogged in a while.

Not to get too sappy, but I have been dating this boy, Reign. Things are wonderful and he is great. yesterday we got together and made paninis and watched Bob’s Burgers because we’ve been dating for a whole month now! I absolutely adore him and things couldn’t be more awesome. He really helped when I was going through the dark space – but I’ll get to that in a minute. Meanwhile, here is a picture of the two of us – we’re darned cute

So now let’s get to the dark space. Recently, I got rejected from Western Washington University. I never thought it was going to be an issue to get accepted, so this hit me really hard. All of the other schools I had applied to were expensive; it was going to be hard to afford. Also, how was I supposed to get accepted to a private university when a state school wouldn’t accept me? I really was having a rough time staying positive. I felt like I wasn’t myself for the past two weeks. Then I had an interview scheduled at Saint Martin’s University over in Lacey, which is near Olympia – Washington’s capitol. I was trying so hard not to pin all of my hopes on this. If it didn’t work out, I would be forced to go to Central Washington University. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world, but I was having a hard time coming to grips with not going to WWU. So off we went to Saint Martin’s.

I have never been so enchanted with a school. “We’re going to have our biggest incoming freshman class ever,” the admissions guy says to me. “It’s going to be about 375 kids.” There is a 15:1 ratio of students to teachers. They have a gym, an amazing library, and so much more. “Congratulations! You’re accepted!” He said about halfway through the interview. Yes. A sigh of relief pulsed through me. Accepted. But it is $27,000 a year just for tuition. How on earth can we afford that? “Well,” he says “kids with your GPA, on average, get about $25,000 a year in scholarships.” Can you believe that?! $25,000!!!! And everyone was complaining that WWU couldn’t give them any financial aid. I loved it there, and I am so ready to declare that this is where I want to go.

Also, I recently participated in my school’s talent show, singing Brandi Carlile’s song “Turpentine.” Here’s a video from YouTube. Mostly when I participate in these things I am left with a loss, and my friends have always placed. It’s left me a bit of an inferiority complex that I work very hard to hide. But this year, I went in wanting to perform. I was pretty sure that I wouldn’t win with this song, but I love singing in front of an audience, so here I am. I applied it to my life, and thought of a situation that I am going through like the woman in the song, and I sang it to that person. He’ll remain nameless, but I do miss him a lot. Anyway, backstage Sullivan said that the judges decided based on who touched their hearts, and who they felt had the most soul in their number. “Good job, my dear.” He whispered. I hugged him and smiled, then hugged Reign, who was totally clueless. They announced my name, and I was thrilled and acted very surprised. It was awesome. Yes. Yes you can win, Zannie. Now I get to perform at the district talent show on Thursday of this week and I am so excited. I don’t care if I win or not, but I am so excited to get told yes in so many ways lately.

Now you’re all caught up on my life. I am so pleased with everything. Reign, college, performing, classes. I feel like I can really start looking forward to things like turning eighteen, getting a tattoo, graduation, road trips with the bestie, trips to Europe, and then eventually going off to college. I feel like Old Zannie again, who smiled and hugged and was full of awesome. That’s me

 

Five-Minute Friday: Loud

The clanging in my ears. The buzzing in my head. I can never get a moment of silence. My life is loud. There is noise, chaos everywhere.

There is a movie on. The Lion King, usually. There is music coming from another room. Avett Brothers, Mumford, something. People are talking in the kitchen. I hear my phone buzz. another text from Reign.

My thoughts are loud. My head is filled with noises. Sometimes it is Karin, being my voice of reason; “Zannie, is this what you really want?” Yes, Karin. It is. There is sometimes someone with a voice I don’t recognize just yelling “ahhhhhh” for long periods of time. My head is never quiet. Suddenly I hear myself begin to speak. Is that really my voice? Gosh, it could fill up a whole theater; it sure is loud.

My whole being, the very essence of me, the way I define myself. Loud. Louder. Loudest.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

We Are Made of the Same Soul

Sometimes I feel as if my soul is made out of fabric. As if God just cut out who I am from a few different patterns, sewed them all up, and stored them somewhere inside of me that no one can see. I will meet people, and I can tell that their soul is made out of contrasting fabric from mine; we probably won’t get along. Maybe we have souls that are made out of fabrics that go well together. We can be friends that way.

But occasionally, I find one who is made out of the same soul. We have the same pieces of fabric in us. It could be one scrap, or a whole bunch of pieces that line up. My best friend, I believe, is made of the same soul. I have a few others who I have found to be made of the same soul. I am not sure they know it, but we are made for each other. Not in the sappy, romantic way, but in a more “we’re compatible and so we should be together in whatever way possible” kind of way.

It is not just people that I am speaking of;  I believe that animals can be made out of the same soul too. I know that many religions believe that pets and animals don’t have souls and can’t go to Heaven, but I like to think that my furry friends will be there with me. I have found a few animals that are cut from the same cloth that I am, and I have loved them more than anything. 

 

 

This post turned out differently than I wanted it to, but it made me feel better to get what I was thinking into words.

Five Minute Friday: Ache

My body aches. I walk and walk and walk with no place to go, and it makes my body ache. But in a good way. It’s the ache that says “Hey guys! I’m growin muscle!” But it aches all the same.

My heart aches. It aches for the day when I meet someone and fall in love. For the ability to have a cat whom I can talk to and share my feelings with, for the love of an orchestra. For the friends who are in angry places, sad palces, anywhere but happy places.

My soul aches. For something new, fun, and exciting. For fufillment, for that feeling of being full of good. For the beauty of the ocean, for an adventure. I cannot wait until tomorrow.

My chest literally aches with unpreparedness. I have never been this unprepared for an audition before and I am ready to cry. Hopefully I can pull something out at the last minute, and then it can ache with pride. That’s how it usually works.

I am filled with aching. Both good and bad. It is the ache that lets me know there is something good around the corner.

Five-Minute Friday: Delight

You walk in to the room and my face lights up. I am filled with delight to see you. I don’t think I will ever tire of seeing your face. I’m not sure who you are yet, but I’m sure you’ll be wonderful. I am so excited to meet you; we’ll be great together. We can go on dates, we can be cute, and we can make people jealous with how awesome we are.

I am so excited for the day this comes. The day that we meet, the day we realize that we love each other, and the day we don’t get married. We will have so many exciting adventures and I am so excited to spend my life with you. It will be delightful. Maybe we will meet in college, or while I am studying abroad. I would love it if you were foreign! Accents gets me every time.

When we meet and fall in love, every day will be delightful. We won’t fight much, only a little, but our days will be spent being happy. I hope that you have facial hair; that’s one of my favorite things right now. Of course, you also need a good heart and you need to be tender. I want to snuggle with you, and I want to love you. I can’t wait until this happens. I am excited to fall in love

 

Please come soon!

Love, love, love.

Valentine’s Day. I don’t get it. I don’t see why there should be one day dedicated to loving people. Why not all the days? Why can’t we randomly surprise someone with flowers and chocolate and heart boxers and tell them that we love them? I don’t get it. I’m not anti-love; I just don’t think we should relegate it to only one day of the year.

Recently, I had the awesome of experience of the boy that I had a crush on liking me back. I mean, he still does, so it’s still awesome. But anyway, we’re just kind of letting things be. We’re not like, “dating” or anything. We just… like each other. It’s not my normal thing; usually I really like putting labels on things. And it’s weird. Because I wasn’t okay with it for a while, but now I really like it. I think it’s exciting to see if it will evolve or devolve.

Anyway, so he and I are really okay with whatever we’re doing. The weird part is that no one else is. I don’t understand why everyone else wants to be all up in our business. Everyday I get someone asking “Hey! So how are things with you and _____? Are you dating yet? Are you going to ask him to Tolo? Did you take his heart off the wall? Are you going to wear it around? Is he going to wear yours?” And when my answer is “Nah, we’re not really into that yet.” They all think there’s something wrong, but there isn’t. I just don’t think we would wear each others hearts around. I mean, I might take it from the wall, but I def don’t want to wear it. Maybe it’s not romantic and wonderful and whatever, but I don’t really care. And maybe it won’t work for other reasons, but it won’t be that we didn’t go to Tolo; I can guarantee you that.

I don’t understand why people can’t let other people be. Let me do this my own way, even if it’s weird and awkward and you don’t agree with it.

Five-Minute Friday: Trust

Welcome to my crazy life. Five Minute Friday or Five Minute Monday? Whatever. I don’t even keep track anymore of the days. Anyway,

GO.

Trust. Why do I find it so hard to trust you? Other people, I feel I can open up to them immediately. You were different. Maybe it’s that you are so different from me in the way that you approach things that I think it would be hard for me to think that you could see where I’m coming from. Maybe it’s that I am trying really hard to impress you. I wonder if it’s the fact that I could sense that something might be off. But the bottom line is that I should be able to trust you. I want you to be my boyfriend. I want to share everything with you, and I want  to want to do that. But every time that I tell you a secret I get this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. And my dark secrets? I have decided that I don’t ever want to tell you those. It’s one of the weirdest feelings that I have ever had because I never, and I mean never, have an issue trusting people. I trust before I know better, and then if I get hurt I won’t trust you. It’s not once you’ve proven yourself trustworthy, it’s once you proven yourself untrustworthy. So then why, with you, is it so different? Why can’t I tell you things? Why do I care so much? I don’t know much about this whole relationship thing. Neither do you. It’s not really our thing at all. Maybe I’m afraid to let you in because I don’t know how much I want to give someone in a relationship. Because that’s a real position of power.

I want to be able to trust you, but I don’t know how.

Five-Minute Friday: Vivid

GO.

I want to live my life vividly. When I look back at my life, I want to see splashes of bright and vivid color, not boring black and white. So far, I think I have succeeded. I want to do things that make people say “What? Why on earth would you do that?” Because that’s what adds zest and spice to my life. That’s what gives me vivid stories to tell. I paint these vivid pictures for the friends who weren’t around for these events, so they too, can get a piece of the action. I love being able to talk about all of these crazy things that I do. I love being able to vividly recall how it felt – stepping on stage to see a full house, staying up all night and going to Beth’s in the morning, staying up until 5 AM to play Beatles RockBand. I can still tell these stories like they happened yesterday, and I want more of them to be there for me. I love telling these stories. I need to go on a vivid adventure soon. I need to live vividly.

So here I come, bright and vivid life.

Musicals Are What I Love

During a musical, we always have what is called “Hell Week.” It is when we have to stay at the school until it is dark outside, work with mics, the band, and many other aspects of the show have to come together. It often incurs meltdowns from me, yelling by the director, and all around, well, hell. Most Hell Weeks, I end up calling Karin and sobbing “WHY DO I DO THIS?! I HATE WHAT I USED TO LOVE! *SOBSOBSOB*” And then comes the performance.

This musical was slightly different than most. We didn’t get our final dress rehearsal due to the weather. However, we pulled ourselves together, had a pickup rehearsal, and off we went yesterday. Make sure to keep in mind I still was kind of in my “I hate what I used to love” headspace.

Then, I stepped onstage. I said my first line, and instantly the audience was laughing. I held it together until I walked offstage. I immediately started jumping up and down. I was so happy. This is what I love. I love that rush of performing in front of an audience, of making them laugh. It is awesome.

The best part came at close to the end of the second act. My character was, well, a bitch. And when someone finally told her to shut up – The one person whom she would might actually listen to – the audience started cheering. What was going on? Thank goodness I had turned toward the back of the stage so the couldn’t see how excited I was that I could illicit such a reaction. And then they KEPT GOING. Finally it got a little out of control. Like, seriously guys? I have a line. We need to finish this scene… So I figured if I started talking again, they’d all shut up, and it worked. The next best part was when my character informed her son that he was, in fact, a black man. We had to hoooooooooooooooold for laughs, and then hold some more. It was so hard not to start laughing. But we stayed in character and looked at each other like the son and mother we were supposed to be, and mostly held it together.

Afterward was the best. Everyone came up to give me a hug “OH MY GOSH. You are so funny!” Random people I didn’t know, people I did know, whoever. The best part was when some guy I’ve never seen before came up to me and said “So, I didn’t really like this show. Except you. You were the best thing ever.”

Then we went off to to Red Robin, as per our usual tradition. I sat with Seth, Tauren, Ivy, Senaiet, John, Petri, Monika, and Alyssa. We proceeded to eat fries like crazy, drink milkshakes, make dirty jokes, and have a grand old time.

So in response to my earlier self,  THIS is why I put myself through Hell Week. So I can get this feeling. Because this is what I love.

How I Spend the Snow Daze

So, I am seventeen years old. In a little under four months, I will be eighteen. A legal adult. But here’s the shocking part, guys. I had never played in the snow. My bestie, KBeezle, felt the need to fix that. So in this crazy Washington snowstorm, we found some joy.

First let’s talk about why we wouldn’t be joyful in the first place. It’s snow! School is canceled! We’re seniors! We don’t have to make it up! But here’s the thing. Remember how I’m in a musical? Well, thanks to school being canceled, we couldn’t have our final rehearsal, or our opening night. So, if you listen pretty closely, you can hear the sounds of our whole drama department crying.

So, I wasn’t sure if rehearsal would happen on Tuesday, and the teacher wasn’t making the announcement until 11:30. Well, Ileft at 10 because I had to take the bus, and I had no idea how long it was going to take me to get there.  So I curled up in a comfy chair in Starbucks, drank tea, and munched on a scone. Then I got the notice that rehearsal was canceled. (Bum bum BUM!)

I texted my friend Reign, who said we should sled! But when I was about halfway to where we were meeting, he texted and said his mom was making him go home! Oh no! So of course, I called KBeezle and said “Let’s go sledding!” and she said “Okay see you in 20 minutes!”

I see her walking down the street. She is carrying “the sled.”

We sledded for a long time. Then we ran back to her house and built my first snowman! It was epic. Then we took a spray bottle and sprayed him pink!! It was the coolest thing ever.

Then we went and watched Hot Fuzz at Nick’s house and had a snowball fight – my first one as well. We made snow juice too, which is like a healthier version of a snow cone. It was the childhood I never had!!

Anyway, now all the snow is doing is messing up the show, so it’s really ticking me off. But I suppose I should go get my glasses, stop crying, and make the best of it.