I am good at writing speeches. I know exactly what to say to get exactly the reaction I want. However, when it comes time to deliver these speeches, things never happen like I want them to.
Last week I had this great speech for my friend that I had been in a fight with. It went like this:
Hey. I know you don’t want to talk to me, but I feel like if this is how you’re going to handle it, I should get to say my piece. If you want, after I’m done, you can respond, but I won’t be mad if you ask me to leave either. I don’t understand why you are mad at me. If you tell me what I’m doing that upsets you, I’m totally willing to work on it, because I really, really value our friendship. You said I wouldn’t fight my battles, but this is one that I really think that’s worth fighting. But at the same time you said I shouldn’t be fighting for someone that wouldn’t fight for me. And I mean, I don’t know because I don’t live in your head, but… I just really feel like if our situations were reversed you wouldn’t be working this hard to appease me. So the ball is in your court, which I guess it always was, but you know.
Then I decided I had to look perfect, So I needed to buy new mascara. Then I decided I needed to go to Starbucks. Then by the time I got back, it wasn’t just him and his roommate in there, so I couldn’t ask him to leave and then go in. Then I had to go home, and he wasn’t going to be awake when we got back because we were also going to Beth’s.
When I go to Beth’s, usually I spend a long time there. So I like to get 7 refills on my coffee. But this time we only spent an hour and a half. Maybe. But I still got 7 refills. Ladies and gentlemen, that’s EIGHT CUPS OF COFFEE. Needless to say, I was really over-caffeinated. So I drew my friend this picture:
On the back it said:
You’re more fun than a rope swing on the elbow of a dinosaur. And I know what you’re thinking – “That doesn’t sound like fun at all. In fact, that sounds quite dangerous.” Yeah, well, last time I checked you aren’t a dinosaur safety technician, so why don’t you back off and find us a rope swing, my friend?
Kevin – I’m totally over not talking to you. I hope you are too cause this sucks.
I was pretty sure I didn’t even need to talk to him after that. I could just leave it on his desk and it would work it’s magic and we would be besties by morning. My friends told me that maybe I should wait until the morning when I could talk at a normal rate and didn’t have to wake him up to give it to him. I took their advice.
The next day I carried around the picture all day long and waited for the perfect moment to give it to him. When his roommate went to take a shower, I walked in and said:
So, yesterday I had this whole schpiel about how I really value your friendship and I’m willing to fight for it, and then we went to Beth’s and I had eight cups of coffee and so I was really over-caffeinated, and I drew you this picture and I thought that it would fix everything cause it’s funny and sweet and everything (and I read him the note on the back), but then this morning I woke up with rational thought and figured that it wouldn’t necessarily fix everything, but I figure it can’t hurt at this point, unless you throw it away right in front of me cause I actually put quite a bit of time into it so I’d probably cry. Anyway, I’m just going to leave this right here, and if you want to talk to me that’s cool but you can also ask me to leave and I won’t be upset. At least not in front of you.
He laughed and smiled at me while I looked up at him with wide eyes that were hopefully saying “i really want to be your friend again so please don’t ask me to leave,” and they must have worked because he told me what I had been doing that had been upsetting him, and I told him that was completely rational and I could totally work on that and then we hugged and it was the best. Now my picture is taped up above his desk (okay, so maybe I put it there, but he hasn’t taken it down, and he gave it two thumbs up, so it’s basically like he taped it up himself.) and we are best of friends again.
So basically, my picture really did fix everything. That’s my whole point.