For you, I am open

I close my eyes, yet I still see your face
Still I think of you when I am trying to turn my brain off
Still I feel something in my chest when I am trying to close my heart

Because I am
Trying to close my heart
I do not want to feel this
I do not want to you see the dark corners of my soul

Yet I feel it is too late
Because the look in your eyes when I disappoint you
fills my heart, my soul, my eyes
with skipping beats and guilt and tears

this hurts
and that’s what they say right
“It hurts because it matters”
This must matter a lot

If this is not open then I do not want to know what is
i am not open for many
i do not willingly bare my soul

but for you, i am open

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10.23.11 · 1:16 am

It has been one and a half years since we last spoke

yet in every crowd I search for your face

hoping

hoping that you will see me too

that you will realize you’ve made a terrible mistake

that you miss me as much as I, you.

To what end?

I will be disappointed even if I do spot your face in the crowd

because i know that we will never be what we once were

and i will never love you 

as i once did

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10.23.11 · 1:15 am

So I Wrote Some Prose Pieces

I think I’m going to post them here 

hope that’s cool

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I’m Still Not Very Good at Blogging.

Okay so I’ve neglected this blog. Sorry guys. The last time I blogged was maybe… May of 2013? So we’ve got seven months to catch up on. I don’t think anything very exciting happened, but let’s get started.

Summer: This summer I was worried about coming home because everything felt different. Everything was different. I drifted apart from the people I thought I would be around forever, and I found an entirely new group of friends. They ended up kind of drifting apart once school started, but I still like them all. We went on many adventures. I also went to Orlando and visited the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, which was a dream come true. 1005283_595430290477420_365015297_n Walking into this land was like walking into my childhood daydreams. It was ineffable. I get choked up even thinking about it. We also went to Disneyworld where I got to meet Phineas and Ferb which was dope as heck! 995425_10200757880323344_378630522_n It was super fun and I loved it. After we got back from Orlando, I got set on my next adventure which was scary but also gave me so much freedom! I began to learn to drive. After I took my test (only twice!) I got my license! I also got a lovely blue Jeep Liberty from my auntie whom i have lovingly dubbed Rosie.

995169_10201016281783219_802892129_nThen I went home and had some more adventures all summer, but it was time to go back to school!

Then in August I went back to school and the semester was rough. I took seven classes, and one (Philosophy) was especially difficult. Then I decided I would try out for cheerleading, which I most definitely do not regret! I love cheer and it has gotten me hecka fit, and also introduced me to one of the girls who is now my closest friends!

1489568_10201771722588767_1967461084_oThe rough part of this semester is that I got mono! I was pretty much incapacitated for two weeks and couldn’t go to class. It was terrible and I basically slept all the time and didn’t leave my room. After I was well again, I was having a rough time catching up on classes, and my jaw freaked out! I was diagnosed with TMJ and I still can’t chew. My sister said the other day “She’s like Nemo, only instead of her fin it’s her jaw.”

The last few weeks of the semester I made a whole new group of friends, and now we hang out all the time and call ourselves the Fab Four. We went to Snowflake Lane and it was hella cute.

936602_10201851560064654_869719479_n

 

Now it’s break time. I have mostly been hanging out at home and been on Tumblr. However, I did hang out with Kyle and Heather a little bit last week and that was fun!

 

Okay now you’re all caught up on my life!

 

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Things Never Go Like I Plan.

I am good at writing speeches. I know exactly what to say to get exactly the reaction I want. However, when it comes time to deliver these speeches, things never happen like I want them to.

Last week I had this great speech for my friend that I had been in a fight with. It went like this:

Hey. I know you don’t want to talk to me, but I feel like if this is how you’re going to handle it, I should get to say my piece. If you want, after I’m done, you can respond, but I won’t be mad if you ask me to leave either. I don’t understand why you are mad at me. If you tell me what I’m doing that upsets you, I’m totally willing to work on it, because I really, really value our friendship. You said I wouldn’t fight my battles, but this is one that I really think that’s worth fighting. But at the same time you said  I shouldn’t be fighting for someone that wouldn’t fight for me. And I mean, I don’t know because I don’t live in your head, but… I just really feel like if our situations were reversed you wouldn’t be working this hard to appease me. So the ball is in your court, which I guess it always was, but you know.

Then I decided I had to look perfect, So I needed to buy new mascara. Then I decided I needed to go to Starbucks. Then by the time I got back, it wasn’t just him and his roommate in there, so I couldn’t ask him to leave and then go in. Then I had to go home, and he wasn’t going to be awake when we got back because we were also going to Beth’s.

When I go to Beth’s, usually I spend a long time there. So I like to get 7 refills on my coffee. But this time we only spent an hour and a half. Maybe. But I still got 7 refills. Ladies and gentlemen, that’s EIGHT CUPS OF COFFEE. Needless to say, I was really over-caffeinated. So I drew my friend this picture:

fixed

On the back it said:

You’re more fun than a rope swing on the elbow of a dinosaur. And I know what you’re thinking – “That doesn’t sound like fun at all. In fact, that sounds quite dangerous.” Yeah, well, last time I checked you aren’t a dinosaur safety technician, so why don’t you back off and find us a rope swing, my friend?
Kevin – I’m totally over not talking to you. I hope you are too cause this sucks.

I was pretty sure I didn’t even need to talk to him after that. I could just leave it on his desk and it would work it’s magic and we would be besties by morning. My friends told me that maybe I should wait until the morning when I could talk at a normal rate and didn’t have to wake him up to give it to him. I took their advice.

The next day I carried around the picture all day long and waited for the perfect moment to give it to him. When his roommate went to take a shower, I walked in and said:

So, yesterday I had this whole schpiel about how I really value your friendship and I’m willing to fight for it, and then we went to Beth’s and I had eight cups of coffee and so I was really over-caffeinated, and I drew you this picture and I thought that it would fix everything cause it’s funny and sweet and everything (and I read him the note on the back), but then this morning I woke up with rational thought and figured that it wouldn’t necessarily fix everything, but I figure it can’t hurt at this point, unless you throw it away right in front of me cause I actually put quite a bit of time into it so I’d probably cry. Anyway, I’m just going to leave this right here, and if you want to talk to me that’s cool but you can also ask me to leave and I won’t be upset. At least not in front of you.

He laughed and smiled at me while I looked up at him with wide eyes that were hopefully saying “i really want to be your friend again so please don’t ask me to leave,” and they must have worked because he told me what I had been doing that had been upsetting him, and I told him that was completely rational and I could totally work on that and then we hugged and it was the best. Now my picture is taped up above his desk (okay, so maybe I put it there, but he hasn’t taken it down, and he gave it two thumbs up, so it’s basically like he taped it up himself.) and we are best of friends again.

So basically, my picture really did fix everything. That’s my whole point.

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Fighting Your Battles

I don’t want people thinking that I am weak. I am not. I can take perfectly good care of myself. However, one of my biggest flaws is that sometimes I will refuse to talk to someone about something they have done that hurts me. I don’t want to risk them being mad at me. This is something I have struggled with my entire life. 

Recently, I had to end a friendship with one of my closest friends. I was having a really hard time with it because I didn’t want our friendship to be over. I couldn’t seem to get over it until finally one of my good friends said “Susannah. Why are you fighting so hard for this? He obviously isn’t fighting this hard for you. Why waste your time on someone like that? Especially when you have plenty of people who would fight for you?” Suddenly I was able to move on. I can think of him and not feel like I’m going to burst into tears, or I can spend a day and not think of him at all. It’s beautiful.

Then, the other day, I got into an argument with that same friend who had told me to not fight anymore. Part of it went like this:
Me: Kyle is always wanting to fight my battles for me. It makes me crazy because I can fight my own.
Him: I’m sure you can, Susannah, but you never do. You sit there, you get mad, and you let things stew. Then they turn into something bigger than they needed to be. You won’t let anyone else fight your battles, but you sure as hell won’t fight them yourself.

I think he thought he was telling me something I didn’t know. After that, he told me he didn’t want to talk to me for a while. I have left him alone, but it’s been almost a week since we spoke last. I really feel like this is a battle worth fighting. He is the only one I am 100% honest with. However, I don’t want to make things any worse than they already are. I don’t want to risk permanently screwing things up. At the same time though, this is exactly what he was mad at me about. I just don’t know what to do. The other thing is that I don’t feel like he would be fighting this hard for me if I were this mad at him. Maybe he would; I don’t live in his head. But right now that’s how I feel.

I think this was just a post in which I needed to get some stuff off my chest. I don’t really know if there was a point. But I feel better having gotten it out there on the page.

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Fiction

He looked at me, eyes earnest, as if he could see into the deepest corners of my soul, and said plainly “I would rather be friends with the real you than the fake you, er- I mean, the one that has to fake her emotions-” he tripped over his words. “What I mean is I would rather be friends with you, the real you, rather than the you that you show to the rest of the world any day of the week.” My eyes filled up with hot tears that threatened to spill over onto my cheeks. “Thanks.” I muttered. I stared at the ground, afraid to make eye contact, afraid to let him see any more of my dusty and mixed-up soul, afraid to fall for him any further than I already had.

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